it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
