Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
