I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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