If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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