i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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