we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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