highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize