I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize