walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
