Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
