at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
