Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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