I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
