remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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