dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
