6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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