Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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