I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
