Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
