i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Reggie can tackle my bush.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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