Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize