It's Friday. Sex?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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