it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
