That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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