M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
