He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
