I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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