you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
