I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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