I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
