What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
