My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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