I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize