When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
