bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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