my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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