I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
