So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
