I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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