One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
