Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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