I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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