u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
