We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
