I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
