did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
