Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
