I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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