At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
