So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
