I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize