So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
