and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
