wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
