How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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