Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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