Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
