I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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