if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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